Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize