What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
