ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
