Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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