So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
