can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
