We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
