I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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