the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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