Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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