a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
