I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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