You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
