Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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