that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
