Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize