Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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