i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
