i just sent this text using only my big toe
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
