My friends, they love my intelligence
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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