I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
