According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There's always time for handjobs
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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