dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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