ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
