Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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