I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
