i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
