she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i love accidental penises.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
