The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Vodka?
Forever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
