I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize