i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
