I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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