im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
