I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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