I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
