don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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