then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
