Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
