i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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