Who did Billy Mays play for?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
