My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
nutella sex= disaster
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
