There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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