Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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