i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
