So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
