My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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