I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
