Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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