That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
