Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
50% drunk capacity currently
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize