If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
