sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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