I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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