Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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