my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
