My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
