i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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