I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So vagazzling was a success
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
