Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
