Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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