My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Never joke about your clitoris.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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