I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
