There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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