all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
