Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
