We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
