Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
