i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
