Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
