I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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